There's a part of her heart that is off limits. Because someone, somewhere in the past, broke it. Don't take it personally, it was unbelievable hurt that she was sure would kill her, but it didn't. But you must know she will never bargain that piece again.
It kills me every time i think of her... Because i love her still... so much... and i hate to say it but to me she is so worth it. but I know i cant have her. I ruined us... - Maybe you are smiling but within your heart is broken ...when will you smile having a happy heart again? The answers are here http://www.psychicinstantmessaging.co.uk/pimpin8
During the grief process, you may be thrust instantly and without warning, into misery as the emotional wave swells and descends. Remind yourself that you have had these feelings before and that eventually it passes.