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GENIUS.

New Year's Humor: Open a gym called "Resolutions". It will have exercise equipment for the first two weeks then turn into a bar for the rest of the year.

The best way to hang up on someone is in the middle of your own sentence. That way they never suspect you hung up on them. Figures this out early on in my call center career.  Creeps actually seem to get the hint better that way....they just hang up when they realize it's me again.

gotta keep this one in mind for the next time I hang up on someone!) or i might just hang up on someone so i CAN do this!

Slow down on the tequila

Life isn't a fairy tale. I you lose a shoe at midnight, you might wanna slow down on the tequila.

Congratulations about being one of the "cool" kids in high school...

So exactly how i feel about people from high school! Congratulations on being one of the 'cool' kids in high school. Too bad about the rest of your life though.

so funny! I went into a store and seriously asked the girl if they had shorts where my vagina did not hang out :) the lady laughed and said "I totally know what you mean"

I'm sorry, call me old fashioned, but I think shorts [and skirts] should be longer than your vagina. (And this is really, really, REALLY not something to be worn by younger girls!

There's going to be food? Okay, I'll come.

honestly, it's literally the deciding factor for most events i'm invited to.

Asking how my day at work went is like asking how a drive-by shooting went... I'm just lucky I got out alive!

Asking how my day at work went is like asking how a drive-by shooting went, I'm just lucky I got out alive! This is so true these days!

I only run when something is chasing me

I only run when something is chasing me

You will NOT see me run or jog period. You will not make me run or jog i refuse and probably will throw something at you. The only time i run is if something is chasing after me.

I don't run. And if you ever see me run, you should start running too. Because something is probably chasing me. | Sports Ecard | someecards.com

Funny Sports Ecard: I don't run. And if you ever see me run, you should start running too. Because something is probably chasing me.

I'm expecting my utility bill to drop significantly due to the termination of this practice.

I don't want to fold my laundry. So I'll restart the dryer.in a row. Yes, mom! This is sooooo me!

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